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Whiskey and Worms (Joke)
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the
evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class.
Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom,
dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Scott, who naturally sits
in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
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Las Vegas Shortage: (Joke)
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one
particularly nasty joke, Two of the female students in the class decided to walk out on next the next joke.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good
morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of hookers in Los Vegas?"
With that, the two female students stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies,"
cried the professor. "The bus doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
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Weird Science
These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers
by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars
can create under the pressures of time and grades.
- "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
- "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
- "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
- "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
- "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin
is gin and water."
- "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
- "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
- "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
- "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
- "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
- "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
- "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
- "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable
cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls,
of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
- "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
- "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
- "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides
have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
- "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,
and eight cuspidors."
- "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the
moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
- "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
- "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
- "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
- "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
- "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
- "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
- "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
- "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
- "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
- "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
- "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
- "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
- "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
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Student Project (Joke)
A man entered a restaurant and bar and sat himself at the bar for a drink. He
noticed a beautiful girl at the other end of the bar seemingly alone. After some time he picked up his drink and went to sit
beside her and asked "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied in a loud voice "A motel!" "No!" he replied I just offered a drink.
All the people in the restaurant were then staring at him. "I just offered a drink", he said. She replied "Why should I go
with you to a motel?"
"Oh forget it" he said as he left to return to the other end of the bar. What
a kook he thought. About 20 minutes later she came to his end of the bar and said; "Sir, I'm sorry to have embarrassed you
but I am a student at the University and I have to do a term paper on reactions to embarrassing situations. I hope you will
forgive me, since this was just part of my research." He looked at her, and in a very loud voice said, "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?"
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Four Advantages of Breast Milk (Joke)
The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom
staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write?
He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
- No need to boil.
- Cats can't steal it.
- Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what
to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen,
and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers.
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English Exam (Joke)
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university.
Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was
very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student
would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as
he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours,
the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued
writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class.
He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous
and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his
voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed
his in the middle, and walked out of the room
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One Liners:
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
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Why is the third hand on the watch called
a second hand?
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Why isn't there a special name for the tops
of your feet?
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If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do
they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
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Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
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Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
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Why is it considered necessary to nail down
the lid of a coffin?
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Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
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Why is the man who invests all your money,
called a broker?
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Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic
Wins Lottery"?
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Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
There is fish flavored!
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Why is it that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
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Why is it that when you're driving and looking
for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
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Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken
our skin?
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Why is it called lipstick if you can still
move your lips?
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Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the
bottle?
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Why is it that to stop Windows, you have
to click on "Start"?
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If all is not lost, where is it?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have
to buy her friends?
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Why do steam irons have a permanent press
setting?
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Why do you need a driver's license to buy
liquor when you can't drink and drive?
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Why are there flotation devices under plane
seats instead of parachutes?
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Do you need a silencer if you are going to
shoot a mime?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her
nose?
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If you tied buttered toast to the back of
a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
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Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when
smoking is prohibited there?
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You know how most packages say "Open here".
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
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You know that little indestructible black
box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
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If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days
a year, why are there locks on the doors?
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Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
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Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
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Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
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If you're in a vehicle going the speed of
light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
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Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
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Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad
of the drive-up ATM?
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Why is it that when you transport something
by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
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If you throw a cat out a car window does
it become kitty liter?
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How did a fool and his money get together?
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Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby
oil come from?
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How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow
road sign?
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Why is there an expiration date on my sour
cream container?
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